life lessons

i spent time with a co-worker tonight at dinner. we are at an off-site in a different state and found ourselves eating sushi and somehow stumbled upon topics otherwise taboo like religion, parenting, and the inter-workings of a buddhist monastery and exactly who is teaching whom.

i realized a few things tonight that profoundly impacted me. you see, while organized religions have rules and creeds and argue, battle and disparage over pieces of dogma or subtle differences over interpretations of scripture -- in the end i wonder how different we really are.

we are all looking for a path. a set of beliefs. a road to follow that has its destination in something bigger than ourselves. something more pure -- a payoff of some sort. each thinks they have the best route (not unlike my wife who believes she always knows the quickest and smartest way to get somewhere in the car), the best set of beliefs, the best 'list' i like to call it.

many need a list of things to do today (or in this lifetime) to help them get by. others can see beyond the list of actions to the intention or desired outcome. yet often we live in guilt because we did not check off the right boxes or live the life that those called to teach us tell us we should, when in reality i question whether the teacher can follow his or her own instructions.

when you live in guilt or are constantly comparing yourself with a 'better' version of yourself, i'm pretty certain you can't win. doesn't guilt and self disappointment drag you down, cause you to spend a lot of time and energy beating yourself up, rethinking your approach, or plotting a more preferred course?

i wonder if we spend too much time focusing on these things. on the destination instead of the journey. on the route instead of the life lessons learned from deviating once in a while. some of the more interesting things i've seen in life have been a result of taking a wrong turn, or wandering outside of the 'traditional' path.

i don't have the muscle to lift anyone to enlightenment -- that is certainly not what this is about -- i just find myself sucked into the vortex, caught up in the game and otherwise so focused on the list and who is checking off which boxes and how this neighbor lives his life vs. the way i've chosen to. yet i'm learning it does not really get me anywhere significant.

so my new plan is to learn to enjoy the journey, take life as it comes, relax a little, stop taking everything so seriously, or as the buddhist monk put it -- "be like water"

the real question and probably hardest of all, is how? can you make yourself relax when you've trained yourself to be a driver? can you make yourself enjoy the journey when you've always focused on making good time? can you become like water when you've had a stick up your ass for 40+ years?

only time will tell . . . but i have to try - otherwise they'll be lowering my rigid body into a stupid looking casket with blue satin and all the record time getting somewhere, all the list of goals and hard fought pieces of dogma i so thoroughly convinced others are true won't matter anymore.

mid life crisis anyone ??