age

i think its horribly surreal to realize that i am the age that i remember my parents being when i was in my prime -- in my high school years -- when i began to define my life by those around me, music, movies, pop culture and the realization that i had decisions to make and while not entirely on my own, it was quickly approaching.

so what happened to the time? who decided this was to be my career, my family, my life? i certainly did not set out on this bizarre journey with the end in mind -- with x number of years of school, y job, z house & kids & pets & bad habits. it sort of happens

if you could go back and do it again with the knowledge you now possess, would you? you say you would, but would you really? here is my thinking . . . if i did it over and took a different course, things could be somewhat better or maybe horribly worse. i would likely live in a different state, be married to a different person, have different looking kids with different names . . . so is it better, worse or just different? i don't obsess about it, but i do wonder.

time just keeps gaining ground. it never sleeps, never gets tired, and certainly never gives up. so if you think you have it beat, watch what happened in the last 5 years, the last year . . hell, the last month.

i see people in their 80's and 90's and wonder if they are just waiting to die. like really, what's next for them? besides grand kids, is there really anything new to look forward to? that's going to be me though. that old man is only a few decades away from me now.

what makes him noble, still smiling after all these years, respected, at peace with himself? did he find it early on? like should i have already found it, or is it yet to come? what if i'm too late? what if i'm the grouchy old guy who is just pissed at the world instead of enjoying what years he has left? what makes him one way vs. another? the grouchy old man never set out that way -- it was never his goal in life -- so if he didn't go looking for it, how did it find him and how do i dodge it?

i'll get back to you on this . . .